4/18
i started the site today, it's really complicated but i love coding so it's worth it. i wanna dedicate these entries to just my thoughts and sharing informantion i find or think of throughout this year or years to go on, it'll be an expierience for sure. not sure where it'll lead me and how long i'll stick to it but wish me luck lol. also, i really needs some tips on how to program these sites,, but i'll figure it out as i go hopefully
4/20
i figured out how to add those pet thingies, its kinda cute but idk how to make it look right on the home page. i love typing out all the html code it's so fun oml also i'm super excited for free comic book day, it's all the way in May but every year me and my dad go up to the comic stores in town and get a bunch of stuff. i just finished redoing the whole layout of this webstie and oh my god it took so long but its worth it because it looks a lot better now luckily! it'll continue to get better in the future hopefully yk
4/22
today was weird, it was friday but did not feel like it at all. ive gotten back into listening to ptv and theyre cool, plus i straigtened my hair today and it looked rlly funny omg andddddd one of my fav books is having a series made for it and it came out today, ive been looking forward to it for the last 2 years!!! im rlly excited to watch it ^^
4/23
i think im gonna start a page where i just write about special interests n stuff bc i have like pages and pages of notes ive taken about mvs i rlly like and songs and the meaning behind the lyrics, plus ive researched some animals a lot and its super interesting so ill just put the info ive learned on that page and whoever wants to can read it ig, who knows how itll turn out,, itll prob be super messy bc idk how to make it look nice but its fine bc i like messy sites!!! also i have barely gotten any sleep but i drank a lot a lot of caffeine and now i have energy for days i could do anything rn
5/2
i have been working more on other stuff not the site but im adding stuff to it today, not sure where to find more sprites tho so that's unfortunate, i wanna do more writing about stuff though its fun, ive been so upset for no reason lately but its not as bad as it used to be.
5/3
in a few days is a close friends birthday but i don't have anything to give to them as a gift and we always do huge gifts for each other so i gotta pull through before saturday,,, ill prob write a letter and give them a few things ive made in the past maybe, anyways i dont know what to add to my website so thats fun! i think ill work on writing stuff and finding sprites to add. and hello mapleluvrr bc ik ur the only one who stalks my website
5/8
i dont know what to add to the website ughhhhh and school has been so horrible i do not want to go tommorrow. i dont know how to spell tmw and i havent been able to since i was like 9. anyways im gonna add stuff to the site this week hopefully! but i have state testing this week and thats gonna suck but whatever ill get over it.
5/11
i feel so bad oml this sucks ass. my laptop and my cat are my favorite things rn. & fav person is still my bf. but ugh i need to get away from my house its suffocating, i wanna go away somewhere. not in a run away way but more like a taking a break but i'll be back way. and i'd take my cat with me bc i love her she's my baby. we finally finished state testing today though so that was relieving. we have like 2 weeks left of school and im terrified for the summer bc it's always the most miserable part of my year and the last few have been, well interesting for sure. anyways im gonna try to find stuff to add to the site and figure out more stuff abt html and css!
5/19
tmw is our school's field day basically and we had to pay to get a ticket to attend and yeah i did get a ticket but oml i do not want to go that shit sounds horrible ngl. ive been doing good with my friends and stuff lately but not with myself whoops. i should probably speak up about it to some of my friends but i just don't anymore, i don't want to worry them or be a bother. i'm just really disgusting though, that's mainly it. but anyways i'll figure out some stuff to add to the site because it's been getting a little boring lately. if i dissapear im probably dead
5/28
its summer.
5/29
ive only talked to like 3 people since summer started other than my immediate family, and everyone else that's messaged me only messaged bc they wanted something. i hate summmer sm oml its just 3 months of hell and i rot in my room the whole time. i want school to start again.
6/5
ive felt like a different person everyday for the past two months or so and its really freaking me out but anyways, idk what to add to the site
6/7
idk where anything is headed, the longer im at home the worse everything gets so im not sure what im gonna do. i want summer to be over already its so draining and ik im not gonna be able to just stay calm over the whole summer. my body doesnt feel like mine anymore and the longer all of these feelings linger the worse it gets. i need to get away from my house and away from my dad just for just one day at least its all i need rn
6/11
i dont know how i feel anymore
6/12
i watched the bobs burgers movie today with my dad. and might have gotten sick from my bf. but its fine. not sure what to put in this entry because i not completely upset or sad for once, which ig is good.
6/13
i want to eat my organs and rip my arteries out of my body. also im losing everyone close to me and its kinda scaring me a lot. idk how im gonna handle both of them moving, next year ill only have 3 of my close friends and im pretty sure only one of them thinks of me as a close friend so uh yea. next year is gonna be so fucking horrible. and i think its restarting. sorry in advance if i mysteriously dont show up to skl and stop answering everyones messages. my stomach also hurts really bad.
6/14
i feel so horrible oml. music has been helping kinda. my mom says she wants me to go to a mental hospital. i do not want to go. idk whats gonna happen anymore and im sick of everything. i feel bad whenever i text anyone bc i feel like a bother but if i dont text them they never text me so whats the point. everythings just been piled on top of everything else and its so bad rn. i wish i was a guitar. some cool musician person could play music on me and release songs that they used me for. and then some person would sit in their room listening to the music with headphones thinking abt how cool the songs are. i wish i was a guitar omg.
6/15
me and kurt krunkle are best friends. u guys should go follow him @kurtsworld96
6/16
the one time i actually go out of my way to do smth it ends up not even happening. im so pissed abt this
6/17
whorephine
6/19
my loop is slightly different now which is good ig. not completely out of it though. i feel like i can finally depend on myself and im trying to get back to how i was in like november and december bc i felt sm better than ive felt lately, i wasnt rlly a good person then but at least i knew how to handle things like this. im still not comfortable in my own skin but at least i feel a little better. thats a complete lie. i need to drink more water. maple has been really sweet lately.
6/20
im so done with everything i want school ot start back up again ugh. i hate summer.
6/21
my fingers r numb from playing guitar they hurt so bad omg.. idk what to add to the site rn but ill try to figure smth out.
6/23
im so happy like just idk just good i dont really know how to explain it. its like smelling a fresh bagel i love bagels. also my fingers r beat tf up.
6/24
i miss him so much. i hope he knows how much i love him and miss him. i need to stop crying over him but i cant i just cant i hate it. i miss him so much i want to see him again.
6/25
im so upset over the stuff thats going on, i dont feel safe and theres nothing i can do about it. theres so many women that are in so much more dangerous situations now and making abortions illegal doesnt mean they are going to stop happening. i fucking hate this country i cant feel safe anywhere.
6/26
why do ppl forget ftm and ftnb ppl exist its so ugh idk. im so out of it and nothing feels right anymore. if i eat what i have left of my dead cat do you think ill be like denji from csm and morph into a half human half pochita thing but instead of pochita its my cat. i love my bf sm hes so amazing.
6/27
bros heartbeat is a little strong
6/28
im so scared oml. its so out of my control and if it would happen quicker it wouldnt hurt as much but ive been dealing with this for months now not knowing anything definite and its not in my control at all and who knows if its gonna end like it did with the rest of it in the past. i know the intent isnt for that to happen but im so worried that its still gonna happen. everytime i ask about it and what the chances are i never get a definite answer and no ones gonna say to my face that they r gonna forget abt me bc thats rude. omfg im so weak thats embarassing
6/29
almost everyone whos been close to me has said im a horrible person how do i like fix that i fucking hate myself
6/30
"i wish you were a girl" yeah
7/1
if i distance myself enough maybe i wont be as annoying hopefully!!! im so miserable i hate this i wish i never got myself into all this shit
7/3
i dont feel as bad. also i perhaps may be head over heels for one certain someone. also i love will byers.
7/4
can they not do this for once please
7/5
i love big red and arizona tea. also i should talk to her but idk,, also furries r so fun to draw im sorry its just omg its so fun. i do not like the sexualized art n wtv tho bc ew. just like cat people are fun to draw
7/6
im a different person everyday and its freaking me out omfg
7/7
way too scared to say anything bc i think ill be annoying haha
7/8
sick and tired of me trying to have serious converesations with my mom and she turns on the tv and turns the volume up so that she cant hear me!
7/9
i might delete this site
7/11
my body is in sm pain but im so much more happy than ive been in months im so idk im just happy. nevermind i take it back i had a panic attack
7/12
i feel idk. csm is back tho
7/13
i feel so uncomfortable oh my god
7/14
f-i
7/15
i have a very hot bf. h-c
7/16
is it bad to tell my ex abt my bf... idc tbh. i love my bf. my mom doesnt not care at all when i try to talk to her now idk what happened, like ill just ask her how her day was or wtv and shell be like it was alr. then walk away and its been like this for a few weeks now like wth
7/17
h-c. i feel mostly good i think
7/18
i cant bring myself to talk to him just because of a dream i had this is so fun haha no bc like that whole dream scared me sm and it just got worse and worse and i woke up and i thought it all happened ugh. s-v
7/20
a-m.
7/21
im so tired of ppl canceling on me, i was abt to leave and then she texted me saying that only one person can come and its too late for me to come, why couldnt you have told me this two hours prior? its even more embarassing explaining to my dad that my friend cancelled on me but still invited someone else over so i cant go. im so fucking tired. a-b.
7/22
i have sm stuff i need to be doing but i cant bring myself to actually do any of it. i got back into a really bad habit of mine also. a-f
7/23
i love will toledo. also i need to calm down ive been getting mad at every little thing and then taking it out on myself and then i get more upset at myself. its not even like sad feelings anymore its just like im always mad or upsest abt smth but not to the point that it makes me sad yk. a-f
7/25
a-f
7/26
my dad just told me that no ones gonna see me as a guy, feeling great! im so fucking tired of him saying shit like this, first its that hes gonna stop using he/him on me bc its too hard, then its that its completely obvious that im trans and that im still a girl, that i talk about being trans too much and need to get over myself, jeez sorry i was trying to have a conversation with you abt myself but nevermind. also i spent like 30 minutes working on another part of this site and my laptop shut down! after finally getting over being so upset the last few days i thought id be better but nope my dad. a-m
7/27
its been a week almost, i dont know what i did wrong and i try to fix it but make it worse im so sick of myself. i need to stop getting so jealous over things like this bc its not in my control so theres no point in getting so upset over it. i hate this. f-i
7/28
im a dick omfg.
7/30
no more therapy homework. im scared for school
7/31
my stomach hurts. im sick of my mom. how do i do this without messing it up ugh.
8/1
crayons r so cool like omg... crayons! they r colorful and they can melt so u can make shapes with them or just melt them and like omg i love crayons theyre so cool!!!
8/3
im so in love
8/4
im so scared to go to school i hate this omfg
8/6
bruhhh i look like a dude. which is good but im not hot anymore. like at all... my face looks weird with short hair i dont like it. also z pls stop calling me will byers i am not will byers just because im gay and have an ugly haircut.
8/8
my sisters birthday. i almost fainted. csm is coming out in october. i ate way too much cake i feel like the bunny in that wreck it ralph clip where he keeps feeding hi pancakes im going to explode.
8/9
i feel like somethings wrong and im rlly scared bc idk what it is. other than that today was great tho! i love my bf so much hes the best
8/10
skl starts tmw. i miss my bf already. i feel left out of everything and im gonna be quiet at skl so im making it worse for myself. i fucking hate this. maple is so sweet i love maple. i want to talk to my bf i miss him. nvrmind. im such a dick.
8/11
i just realized today how easy it is to make fun of me and to get talked over lol!! no one is there to stick up for me anymore. lol :3
8/13
i hate myself
8/15
i want go be in hs. my friends suck other than 2 of them. highsklers coming to me to tell me everything is funny. i think... yeah. i had a panic attack in study hall. i need people at skl like her everyones boring other than those 2 it fucking sucks i just want someone to skip with man. i absolutely dread coming home i just get yelled at by dad and he goes to pick up my mom then she finds a reason to yell at me and then they fight and its just over and over again its annoying ash. im so glad he called me
8/16
i dread going to skl oml i fucking hate that place. i miss him. i miss them too even though they didnt treat me the best, they were still better friends than some of the other people i talk to now. bro i need someone like last year that did that ughhh. new highscore today. i fell asleep last period i hate falling asleep in skl. i miss him so much. i dont have time to do anything anymore because im actually getting in bed before 1am and i did everything important rlly late at night bro... also i think my expo teacher has the same brand lotion i have and im never using that lotion again im so mad
8/19
why is she so embarassed of me
8/22
im so behind oml i have to like do a shit ton of stuff to be ready by the time its due fuck this oml.. anyways! i hope that they havent changed that much bc i dont want things to be weird or different when i see them again thats like worst possible situation.. i just want it to be how it used to be
8/23
having to try and explain to them why i cant get lunch, not bc i cant eat but bc my parents dont have the money for me to is so embarassing. and esp bc they are like why dont u just ask them to add more money to ur account? and i just am like no i cant do that haha. its idk. she literally makes jokes abt it too like man sorry i cant really control or help that ive just grown up like this,, they dont have to worry abt having enough money to do anything they dont think abt so much stuff i worry abt and whenever i have to bring it up or they ask its so embarassing. i dont like my lunch table anymore. i just get made fun of and he jsut plays along and its so annoying. im annoying too tho so idk why im complaining. i want to go live somewhere else and go do stuff and talk to ppl who will listen to me without judging me over anything but i cant and its not an option for a long time. i hate being at home. i hate being at school. i want my stomach to stop hurting. and i want to feel content with myself.
8/24
i hate having to hear her cry esp bc i cant do anything to fix whats going on i hate this sm
8/26
7th graders r nasty
8/28
no one makes me feel as miserable as they do. also im like 75% sure that theyre gonna stop sending them now that he knows so thats fun. i told my mom not to tell him but she still did. i mean it cant be that bad because they already hated me before and left me out so whatever. i feel so idk. other than all that ive felt like the best ive felt in forever. i love my bf so much. i wish there was a word that meant smth more than love bc its like not enough yk. yesterday was rlly nice and im glad it went well. i want to watch movies forever and never get up that was really nice. i may have gotten yelled at by my mom when i got home but wtv i dont care bc she gets mad at me everytime i hang out with anyone. i have so much shit to do for school but i dont want to do it, i dont want to go to school tmw either bc i feel so sick and im gonna get my friends sick if im sick too. and id feel horrible if i did. idk. anyways. happy bday mapleluvrr! i have no clue when you'll read this but ik u will at some point. i love you so much. like frfr. full homo. u make me feel a lot of things that i either didnt know i could feel and do things with u that i didnt rlly think we would do, and im glad we have done all those things. when we werent dating i was so scared if u found out how i felt that our friendship would be ruined or smth would go wrong but im so so glad i was just overthinking. you mean the world to me. i feel bad for my mom and my other friends bc i never shut up abt u. ur my absolute favorite person and i wouldnt want it any other way. i truly do love you so much. i hope your bday was good.
8/29
transvestite.
8/31
i am physically sick and mentally sick of myself. i feel so bad bc it feels like it was my fault ughhh. this whole weeks gonna suck
9/1
wake up its the first of the month! my bday month. it is officially fall for me. time to listen to mac demarco, starry cat, current joys, alex g, clairo, elliot smith, duster and radiohead every day. fall is my favorite season but every year once it starts i feel like horrible horrible. and every year i think about last year's fall and it makes me more upset. last october and november were like rlly rlly bad but i also went out and had friends, even if they are assholes now, i kinda miss them. i miss having friends who treated me like a younger sibling. i wish i had an older sibling. well i almost did.
9/4
i feel so bad. also wow uh. i hate how sensitive i am. i hate how i cant stop crying. i hate the way i act, its so bad. and i dont understand things and i get so upset and im so sensitive. its not a joke abt how i used to i still do hate myself
9/5
i am so sick to my stomach that i couldnt even drink koolaid or eat dinner or lunch!!! i have no passion for anything and i dont have something that i excell in or get praised for. i wish i liked thing that everyone else liked or was good at something cool but im not and ive tried and i cant find anything. codings useless bc all i do is copy everyone else until it makes sense to me, art makes me remember all the shit that happened during the time i used art as an outlet and i cant bring myself to enjoy it anymore, i dont have anything im good at. and knowing about fish and liking jellyfish is just embarassing for me and theres nothing i can do with that rn. theres nothing i do now thats gonna affect that possibility, so whats the point in even thinking about it rn? i do average in skl and i dont have anything i do outside of skl either. im not good at anything i dont have someting special about me that others care about or anything enough to get recognition for.
9/8
idk why i thought itd work out im probably gonna cancel it all together at this point
9/10
i hate her so much. how can you post about being a trumpie and hating trans women without being embarassed of yourself? and shes okay with gay ppl but once trans ppl are brought up? i hate terfs i hope they all die
9/18
i feel like im gonna throw up again
9/19
i hate how she still knows me more than all my friends and that shes still so absolutely sweet to me after everything
9/23
im gonna explode i swear if the one person that ive been talking to more actually is what she's been saying idk what im gonna do but i cnnot be friends with him anymore if he does omfg
9/24
fml. "your off brand garfield" wtf does that mean omfg im so confused i need to stop thinking abt this. my birthday sucks i hate my birthday. im gonna explode and cancel all of my plans and ghost everyone except my online friends. i hate this i hate everything. i dont have the guts to do that again tho at least. i did do that tho.
10/9
7 months today. i feel horrible about everything i lost a bunch of friends too, my familys been doing worse than ever right now and i hate being at home because they never let me help. i dont have a best friend anymore and i dont know what to do i want to go back to how it was i dont care if im not happy i just want it back to normal. i feel so horrible i hate myself i hate long weekends i want to be back at school and rehearsals i hate being at home i hate all of this oh my god. am i supposed to like delete all of our pictures tgt? what am i supposed to do with all that esp bc i cant bring myself to delete anything it all means too much to me i cant. my phone case? the polaroids? the photobooth pictures? am i supposed to act like how i did with storee and go and find someone else to like? he means so much more to me than she did and im still so in love with him i hate this feeling
10/28
whoops missed a few days. weeks ish. i feel horrible lol! i dont rlly care about anything or anyone other than those two right now even tho its shitty of me. im gonna make him a present for halloween bc i feel like it. i love him so much.
12/9
damn i missed a few days whoops. wtf was wrong with me. you'll live to dance another day, it's just now you'll have to dance for the two us.
12/17
how aare they letting her call me that when shes mad at me..? you cant just do that