mordecai-88's journal

lyrics:

darling, darling, love me.
more, more, until i break.
darling, darling, still insufficient.
hey, instead, would you, eat me?*1
hey, i've gotten hungry.
i wanted it i wanted it, what couldn't be helped.
hey, please? please?
a honey so sweet it parches my throat.
hey, i want to do something fun.
you and i are "the same" aren't we?
inciting, divulging, in this moment before the magic comes undone.*2
hey, i know it can't be done*3
hey, i want you so much i can't take it anymore.*4
darling, darling, will you look at me?
more, more, until it overflows.
darling, darling, not yet, dont stop.
more, forever, will you, savor me?*5
hey, im feeling bad.*6
anguishing, lonely, i want to see you now.*7
hey, i only want to do fun things.*8
but thats a sin, i am..*9
"darling, darling"
("can you hear me? where i am, you know that now?")
"darling, darling"
("shall we atone, for our sins, together?")
darling, darling, im lonely by myself.
darling, darling, still insufficient.
hey, instead, will you..
eat me?*10

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1: 2:35am, the phone suddenly rang. "hello. can we meet right now?" we loved the night. we had decided to always meet around this time. bright sunlight nor the clamor of people; there's nothing getting in our way. 3:00am, you're standing under the streetlight, like always. without conversation, we started walking in hand and hand. your hands are large and bony; my chest feel tight because your hands have a "male" presence. I would look up to see your face and I can't catch a glimpse of your expression so there's no way for me to know what you're thinking about right now. or how you're going to XXX me tonight. 3:15am, as soon as we arrived at the usual place, he took off his jacket and put it on a hanger. "we don't have time today," he quietly whispers. he was so calm. even though i am so aroused. I think we're both way to awkward to communicate our feelings. words are very dificult. I feel like "I love you" becomes light the moment you speak it. probably, we're both holding something back. of course we both have things to hide. and truths we don't want to show. because we understand that, we don't try to step in further than nessecary, and we can maintain our relationship. I loook at you and I swallow. that very moment is too sweet. I loved it when you XXXed me with restraint the size of the eye of a needle. when we do this, I wonder if we really are human. but I feel like I can recognize my won existence for the first time when I'm XXXed by you. By 5:00, I need to leave and come back home. "tomorrow" will come, even for people like us. how wonderful it could be, if we could just abandon everything? if I could feel only happiness, if I could only look at you. the nicely shaved lips come towards me. reflexively I close my eyes. after this, I will surely be attacked by a heat making it impossible to think. "turn the lights off." I say, right before it starts. its not embarassment; I simply don't like the idea of light being shone this sight. he quickly turns the lights off, in a hurried manner. he can't wait anymore. that's fine, that specifically is my happiness. I'm in love with the way he is when he loses composure, he bit me. it hurts.

2: "magic" the mysterious art of doing things impossible to mankind.

3: the awareness of doing vile and ugly things as a human. when did i lose the hesitation that I used to feel at the beginning? even if we understand, we can't control our impulses. nobody can control us.

4: him and I are a pair of birds.* nobody can pull us apart.

5: the phone rang today, too. it's from him. as soon as we met he took my hand saying "come to my place tonight." it's been a couple months since I've been to his house. "is it okay?" I ask. "it's okay, she's at her parent's house. you don't have work tomorrow, right?" "yeah, why?" "because I do too." there was no conversation after that. we kept on walking in silence. I was unsatisfied by the shortage of time, to be honest. neither of us actually said it, but I think it could be seen on both of our faces how lonely it was to leave each other. you coudl say that we should just make it so that we could see each other all the time, but it just wouldn't work. we both have circumstances that can't be changed. we can't interfere in each other's circumstances, and knowing that, we repeatedly rendezvous. maybe the fact that we're partners in crime is unconsciously keeping us together. His apartment is a 2LDK*. when I entered the room, I could smell a sweet scent, like that of perfume. I became a little nervous. "you never let me in your house." he laughs with a lonely expression. I live alone, but I had never invited him into my home. ".....sorry." "no, I'm not trying to criticize you." we're both scated, trying not to step into private areas. it was a indescribable feeling, sort of lonely, but sort of comfortable. as I was staring at my phone, sitting on the sofa, he came out of the bathroom, drying his hair. "are you going to go in?" "yeah." "oh, but wait." I love the moment that the color of his eyes change. I love the moment that his voice changes kindly. "tell me." even though we generally don't speak much. I felt like my heart was becoming more open, maybe because I was at his house. you always make me cry. I had htought that tears only flow when you're sad, but apparently I was wrong. it feels so good to let tears flow. I was happy, that I was showing you a face, secluded from the world, a face that I would show to no one else. I didn't want to think. like about how him and her would have,, here. I didn't want to fall too deep, but I guess that thinking like this means that I already have fallen. "more" I think that's a magic word. I didn't want to think about anything extra. if he could use his magic to erase anyhting extra from my heart =, that was all I needed. .....that was supposed to be all I needed.

6: "are you being a good girl?"

7: "you're not letting anyone else into your house, are you?"

8: "you seem suspicious, you aren't lying to me, right?"

9: the only existing truth was the proof that I am "evil". half-reflexively I ended the call and ran outside in my thin dress. it was cold outside. like it was condemning me . I run with all my might. I start to lose my breath. I taste blood from the inside of my mouth. but I still ran and ran, and didn't stop. I feel like I shouldn't stop.the usual view starts to change. while running, I open the map. I see the blue. I instinctively captured that bllue. if I go straight, I'll reach my goal. the goal to the hopeless world. the people on the streets look at me suspiciously. my high heels have comeoff. I run barefoot. something sharp cuts the back of my foot, and I feel a sharp pain. but a pain like this was nothing compared to his XXX.

10: today(*) early morning, on the coast of __ city, a woman's body was found. __ police station is confirming it's identity. at around 6:30am, at a scenic spot in __ city, close to the __ coast, a man who was jogging found a woman's body floating face-down, and called the police. according to the police, there is no major wounds on the body, and it seems to be a few days since death. the day before yesterday (* day), a woman from __ town has been missing, and the police are looking into the case. the woman seemed to be in her 20's, around 160cm(5'2ft) tall, wearing a black dress. there has been no identification found in her belongins, and the police have been investigating her identity, as well as do an autopsy to determine cause of death.